


Starlight

by AllenbysEyes



Series: Distant Shores [3]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friendship, Gen, Moving On, Outer Space, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-05 23:41:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14629484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllenbysEyes/pseuds/AllenbysEyes
Summary: Third in the "Distant Shores" series. Lapis makes an unexpected new friend in the farthest reaches of space...someone who helps her realize what's really important in life. And, perhaps more importantly, how to move on.





	Starlight

Lapis flew for days through the void, without seeing any signs of life or light. No stars, no planets, and _certainly_ not any form of living creature. She was starting to grow exhausted and desperate. 

At least her exhaustion made her forget, mostly, the depression and agony and loneliness that had been bothering her. Instead of focusing on the personal agonies raging in her brain, her exhausted wings and tired body and heavy eyelids took precedence. 

Small comfort, though. She knew that if she kept flying for too much longer, she would lose control of her wings and fall into the void of space. She wasn't likely to die, unless a meteor or something came along and poofed or shattered her, but it _would_ make it virtually impossible to regain control of herself or to know where she'd end up. Even if she thought briefly that might be the best alternatively.

Finally, after an indeterminate number of days, just when her wings seemed ready to give out, she spotted a small planetoid in the distance. It looked like a large, brown rock without any distinguishing features, only dimly visible in the glow of a far-off star. 

Curious, she managed to rejuvenate her tired wings enough to turn them towards the planetoid. It took her a few hours to reach it, requiring every last reserve of strength, but she finally did. 

When she landed on the planet, it was a bit disappointing. The surface was barren and desert-like, illuminated by the dimmest light possible. She could tell, however, that there was no reason to stay here, and that she could probably walk across the planet in about an hour's time. 

No reason to stay...except to rest. Which is what Lapis needed.

She circled in for a landing, collapsed on the ground, and laid back, looking up at the distant sky.

She sighed, searching out the star providing the light. She could spot it on the very far horizon, a tiny white-yellow speck in the distance. 

She closed her eyes, feeling her body ache from days - weeks - heck, maybe months of flight. Felt an overwhelming urge to sleep and never leave. 

Until she heard a strange sound. And opened her eyes. And gasped. 

She saw a small blue figure overhead, flying over the planet.

"Hi!" it called in a strangely familiar voice, waving. "Didn't expect to see anyone out here! Mind if you join you for a sec?"

Lapis rubbed her eyes, sure that the dim light was playing tricks on her. She was surprised enough to see another entity this far in space, let alone one who appeared to be...

It couldn't be...

But yes, Lapis saw, it **wa** s.

It was another Lapis Lazuli!

Lapis gasped, sitting up and blinking her eyes again to make sure. She hadn't seen another of her own kind in thousands of years...ever since her friend left for Jupiter and perished. 

But there was no mistaking it, even at this distance.

The Other Lapis eventually dove in and came to a stop a few feet away, 

"Whoo! I really didn't expect to see another Homeworld Gem all this way from nowhere! And...oh my stars, are you a Lapis _too_!?"

"Yep," Lapis said, still disbelieving. 

"Geez, you look like..." She examined Lapis, who blushed and tried to cover herself self-consciously. "You look like an older era Lapis. Not that that's bad, it's just...I've only seen your kind once or twice in my life. Wow!" 

She wasn't _completely_ identical to Lapis herself, of course; all Gems had small differences in coloration and dress style and body type and gem placement to tell each other apart. Especially the differences between eras, something Lapis only dimly understood from talking with Peridot.

 **This** Lapis's hair was longer and straighter than Lapis's unruly mop, growing down to her shoulders. Her skin was also a slightly darker shade of blue, how Lapis might look with a suntan. And while her outfit had the same pattern as Lapis's, it lacked the midriff-revealing slit in the blouse, though its hemline was lower cut. And the coloration again differed - a light powder blue contrasted against gray, instead of Lapis's cobalt blue against black.

And her Gem, Lapis noticed, was on her chest, situated just below her cleavage. Apparently, her wings sprouted organically from her back.

"So what brings you to **this** far outpost of the Universe?" the Other Lapis asked. Lapis thought her voice sounded very similar to hers, just a little higher and softer. 

"I'm just..." Lapis wracked her brain for a believable lie. "I kinda got lost on the way to a mission. Never been good at directions."

"Oh, really?" Other Lapis asked, cocking her head curiously to one side. "Hmm, kind of a long way to get lost. I've been asked to scout out this quadrant by Blue Diamond for signs of a habitable planet. I don't think this dinky little rock will do us much good...but I've spotted a few that I'm hoping will be more fruitful." 

"They use Lapis's for scouting missions now?" Lapis seemed surprised. "That's new to me." 

The Other Lapis nodded. "You really _have_ been away from Homeworld for a long time, huh? Yes, Era 2 Lapises can detect water under the planet's surface. Sometimes they send us ahead, since we're less conspicuous than a lot of other gems, and our powers are more practical." 

Lapis smirked, a little confused. She remembered Peridot complaining, more than once, that Era 2 Peridots were told they lacked powers or even normal strength. Of course, in Lapis's day, Homeworld Lapises **were** a higher-ranking Gem, so maybe _they_ got lucky.

But then, why use an aristocratic Gem for a mere scouting mission? It didn't make sense. Homeworld must have changed even more than Lapis had thought. 

"What brings you here, though?" Lapis asked. "I mean, there can't be any water on this..." And she gestured to the barrenness around her.

The Other Lapis cocked an eyebrow and dropped to her knees. "Oh no?"

She swirled her hands around a bit over the ground, then carefully placed her pointer finger against the dirt. She twirled it in place for several minutes, then pulled it away.

Lapis gasped as a small stream of water trickled up through a hole in the Earth.

"Pretty neat, huh?" the Other Lapis beamed. She began using her whole hands again.

Lapis moved out of the way, watching as the Other Lapis kept drawing water out until it formed a small spring. Just large enough to sit by and relax.

"Ahh, now this is more like it," the Other Lapis sighed, laying down and putting her feet in the cool water. She looked at Lapis, still a bit surprised and uncertain, standing a few feet away.

"Come on, Lapis Lazuli," she said invitingly. "Take a break. And tell me **all** about yourself."

* * *

Well, Lapis couldn't do _that_. She was certain this Lapis was still loyal to Homeworld, and wouldn't find her backstory all that appealing once she knew the full truth. But she told enough that the contours of her story, and her agony, came through. Though _this_ Lapis seemed interested in one thing in particular. 

"Man, you were friends with a Peridot?" Other Lapis laughed incredulously. "Man, how could you ever get along with one of those uptight nerds?" 

"It wasn't easy," Lapis said, a little irritated. "But we met under...circumstances where we could behave differently than our assigned roles. It was nice, but...a little scary. Because you never know quite the right thing to do."

"Huh." The very concept seemed foreign to Other Lapis, confirming that she was still very much a Homeworld Gem.

"Was she a nerd?" Other Lapis asked.

"The worst."

"Really uptight?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Obsessed with technology?"

"And _then_ some!"

"Did she ever call you a clod?"

Lapis just laughed uproariously at this. 

"I've dealt with my share of Peridots," Other Lapis said. "It's not been...a pleasant experience. This one must have been really special if you formed a connection with her."

And Lapis, who'd done her best not to think about Peridot lately, was deeply struck by this. Realizing yet again what she'd lost. 

"Yeah..." she said, her voice a small whisper. "She was."

"You were really lucky, then," Other Lapis said, patting her on the shoulder. "Of course, ***I*** couldn't imagine falling for another type of Gem...but hey, I'm not going to judge other Gems for what they do. _That_ 's for the Diamonds."

Lapis cringed at this, but didn't say anything. Some prejudices aren't overcome in a single conversation. 

"So, do you have a name or a facet number or..." the Other Lapis said. "I mean, maybe it's a little weird but it might be best, you know, tell each other apart."

Lapis wracked her brain, trying to remember if she _had_ a facet number. But it was too far in the past.

"Well, you can call me...Bob, if you really want," she said, remembering Steven's ridiculous nickname. 

"Bob?" Other Lapis laughed. "Well, you can call me...Blue." 

And she took off and flew an elegant little loop in the air, showing off her skills. 

"Bob, why don't you come with me?" Blue said, holding out a hand. "I'd love to see what your wings are up to."

"Maybe later," Lapis said. "I'm pretty beat." 

Blue seemed a little disappointed, and landed next to her. 

"Well, that's all right," she said, clasping Lapis's hand. "We can just...enjoy each other's company."

Lapis felt a little odd holding another Gem's hand. But she was so starved for another person to talk to, she didn't pull away.

* * *

Lapis tried to remember whether, in her youth, before the Mirror, she was ever as spry and active - as happy - as Blue. She found it hard to remember life in Blue Diamond's court as anything more than drab mixtures of protocol and servitude.  

They spent several days together on the planet, talking incessantly, sharing their stories and backgrounds and occasional fart jokes. When Lapis finally needed to take a nap, Blue left her alone. When Lapis had regained her energy, Blue would take her on short exploration missions into space, trying to show her star systems and planetary belts far away. 

"I'm only 2,000 years old," Blue said during one such mission, as they flew past a small field of space junk. "I'm, like, a toddler next to you. But it's so cool meeting an Era 1 Lapis! You just seem so...different from me. So much more formal." 

Lapis flew next to her and shot her a side eye. " _Formal_?" she asked, disbelieving. " **That** 's how you see me?" 

"Yeah, you hardly use slang or anything!" Blue said. "I'm guessing that's court protocol, since I know your Era were a lot closer to the Diamonds than mine. Plus, you seem very...guarded."

Lapis snorted but didn't allow herself to laugh. "You don't know the half of it." 

"Hmm." Blue became thoughtful for just a moment, then a mischievous smile crossed her face. 

"Race you," Blue said. 

"What...?" Lapis barely had time to react before Blue jolted out ahead of her. 

Lapis sighed and pumped her wings, struggling to keep pace. She didn't even know Blue where was headed, just following her. 

Finally, after several minutes of intense flying, they found it. 

A small storm of solar radiation, the same kind Lapis had used to relax however long ago that was. 

"There's a star about 20 light years from here," Blue said, pointing to a hazy mist in the distance. "Not the one we can see from that rock back there. It's obscured behind a cloud, so I don't know what's there. The only reason Homeworld Astronomers knew it was there is because it lets off radiation, like this." 

Lapis moaned as she felt the warm starlight wash over her back, sending her into an instant state of contentment. She didn't move for minutes as the heat soaked into her skin, relieving her stiff muscles and sore wings as it moved through her. 

"This is lovely," she said, leaning her head back. 

"I know, right?" Blue said happily. "This is my favorite part of these missions, you know? Maybe I'm just being silly, but it's so hard to enjoy terraforming because it's work. But moments like this...are wonderful."

Lapis nodded gratefully. 

"Thank you for taking me here," she said.

"What are friends for?" Blue said, putting an arm around Lapis's shoulders.

Again, Lapis didn't know how to react. But she didn't rebuff it, either. She needed the comfort. 

* * *

After about a week, Lapis started to wonder about Blue. And herself.

Blue seemed positively ditsy and forgetful sometimes. She made jokes that ranged from the funny to the rude and unintentionally insulting. She seemed incapable of rest or relaxation. She expressed Homeworld prejudices, like casual disparagement of lower Gems, a loudly-expressed longing for a Pearl of her own and insistence that the Diamonds were superior, that Lapis had forgotten over time. And she had little sense of personal space. What was endearing in small doses started to grow annoying over time.

Plus Lapis felt some suspicion that she couldn't quite place. 

If she was really on a Homeworld mission, surely she wouldn't spend so much time casually hanging out with another Gem, even if it _was_ a fellow Lapis. 

Maybe she was some kind of outcast too, Lapis wondered. It would certainly fit her behavior. Though she didn't seem defective or in any way flawed. For all Lapis knew, Era 2 Lapises could **all** be like this. 

Still, she wondered. It seemed a little strange. 

But then, if Blue was keeping secrets from her, she still wasn't telling Blue the whole truth about herself. 

And part of her was terrified at forcing the issue. Because it had been so long since she'd had any kind of company. And Blue, despite her foibles, was too nice to dislike or resent in any way. She didn't want to be alone again, and she didn't want to hurt a friend. 

But she also found the hand clasps and shoulder hugs and other physical contacts increasingly unwelcome. Yet didn't say anything, because on some level she still _wanted_ them, even if it was from someone she didn't necessarily like in **that** way. If not Peridot, then maybe Blue would do. 

Lapis vaguely remembered an Earth saying, or was it a song (probably a song, knowing Steven) that Steven had told her: _If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with_. And she started feeling that way about Blue, even as Blue irritated her. She minded Blue's closeness without really minding, accepted it without truly accepting it.  

And Lapis, again, wondered what was _wrong_ with her. How so many contradictory thoughts and emotions could surge through her mind at once. 

* * *

Finally, on the eighth day, she decided it was time to talk. 

"Blue," she said, sitting down next to her friend on their spring. "I've been meaning to ask you something..."

Blue, who'd been laying back with her feet in the air, perked up. "Sure thing, Bob. What's up?"

"Blue..." Lapis sighed. "I don't know how to put it, and I don't want to seem like I'm ungrateful for your company or anything. You're a really cool Gem, and it's so nice to meet someone like myself. But..."

"But what?" Blue sat up and came closer to Lapis. 

"Okay," Lapis said, screwing her courage as best she could. "You told me that you're out here on a mission. But, think about it. We've been here together for over a week, and you've already discovered everything there could possibly be to discover about this little rock."

"Well, eight days isn't _that_ long," Blue insisted. "I mean, I left Homeworld eight months ago..."

"Okay, I get that," Lapis said. "But...Look, maybe Era 2 Gems are different, but in my day" (God, she sounded like an ancient geezer saying this) "when we were on a mission, that's all we focused on. No side trips, no hanging out with friends, just visiting the planet and terraforming and doing our job." 

"Oh Bob the Protocol Lapis strikes again," Blue said, sticking out her tongue. Lapis didn't laugh this time. 

"Like, it's no skin off my nose whether you do this mission or not," Lapis insisted. "But...it just doesn't make sense. Help me make sense of it. Please."

Blue chuckled nervously, then clasped Lapis's arm and pulled her close.

This time, Lapis pulled away, recoiling more forcefully than she meant to, hugging herself and turning away from Blue. 

"Please...don't touch me like that any more." 

She closed her eyes. Heard Blue gasp, surprised and upset, and felt her pain. 

But she felt only the briefest tinge of remorse. Because that time, with _that_ tone, Blue didn't remind her of Peridot.

She reminded her of Jasper. 

"I'm sorry," Blue whispered. 

"It's not your fault," Lapis said. "You thought...You don't know the first thing about me, even after all this time. I've been through so many horrible things that...Well, that's neither here nor there.

"I like spending time with you, Blue," Lapis clarified, turning back towards her friend. "It's been so wonderful to meet someone after all this time alone...especially another Lapis. **Especially** an Era Two Lapis! But...I think you're expecting things from me that I can't give you."

Blue nodded, though it was clear from her expression that she didn't fully understand. 

"Guess I traveled all this way and...I still love Peridot," she muttered, as much to herself as Blue. "And all this distance, all this time apart...isn't going to make me feel any less. Maybe somewhere down the line...but not now. Not here. Not..."

"I see," Blue said, her teeth suddenly bared. "So you choose a runty little green clump over one of your own kind. Maybe that's why Era 1 Gems have been phased out over the years. Too sentimental. Too...unnatural."

Now it was Lapis's turn to become angry.

"You don't have **any** idea what you're talking about," she yelled.

"Well, I can guess," Blue said. "I mean, that story you told me was the worst lie imaginable. I didn't say anything because, hey, I liked making a friend. But getting lost, for thousands of years? Even a Ruby wouldn't be **that** stupid."

"What are you saying?" Lapis said.

Blue screwed up her face into a mean grimace.

"Well, isn't it obvious?" she said. "You were cast out. Because you were defective." 

 **Defective**. _That_ word. 

Lapis growled with anger. She raised her arms and summoned the water from the spring. 

Before Blue could react, a watery fist rose into the air, towering over the other Lapis. She backed away in awe, too frightened to try fighting back.

"You little bitch," Lapis said as the tower grew taller. "You think your being an Era 2 Gem makes you better, huh? You think you're too good for everyone else in the Universe? Well, you're not. If there's one thing I learned on Earth, it's that no gem is superior to another." 

"Bob...please," Blue muttered, awestruck and terrified at Lapis's powers. 

"Well, maybe I **am** defective," Lapis said. "Maybe there _is_ something wrong with me. But it's not that I loved someone. It's not that I left Homeworld and settled somewhere else. It's not...That I'm **me!** "

And Lapis suddenly felt a surge of affirmation, a feeling of _pride_ that she hadn't felt in a long, long time. She smiled. 

She shot Blue a quick glance, noting the incomprehension in her friend's eyes. Partly pleading, partly confused. She didn't get it.

But, Lapis smiled, it wasn't for _her_ to get. 

It was for **Lapis** to get. Blue needs to figure it out herself.

And with a quick, angry flap of her hand, Lapis smacked Blue into the stratosphere, sending her flying well off-planet. Lapis saw her struggling to summon her wings and flying off in another direction, not looking back. 

Lapis sat down on her knees, her power fading, allowing the tower of water to fall back into the ground. 

* * *

Blue didn't come back. Not that day, or the next. 

Lapis didn't care. She needed that time to stock of what happened.

After the initial rush faded, she worried. Felt guilty for what she'd done. Driving away yet another friend. 

But then she thought about the feeling of pride that she'd had. How she was proud to proclaim herself Lapis Lazuli again! How defiant and angry she was. 

And more than anything else, how much self-worth she gained. How she'd managed to tamp down her self-loathing and depression and banish them to the four winds. How she'd managed to be something more than just a Gem, or even just a Lapis Lazuli.

Herself. 

 _Peridot, you would be proud of me_ , she thought smiling, as she looked to the heavens, imagining her partner smiling down at her. 

Finally, her thoughts of the little green gem weren't full of remorse and depression and crushed longing, but of pride and warmth and love. That Peridot was still her friend, and was forever a part of her. And even if they never saw each other again, Peridot still mattered. 

And so did she.

_I'm finally my own gem._

Tears brimmed in her eyes. Tears, for once, expressing hope rather than sadness.

As she realized that, alone or otherwise, she could finally face the future on her own terms. That she might be happy, at the very least with herself.

That reaching that distant shore might actually be possible.  


End file.
